From November 19th through November 30th, I was in my monk era and attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat called Vipassana (I call it "Vip" for short). I was in the tiny, Northern California town of Kelseyville and the main inspiration for this peculiar journey was my husband, Nikhil. He did Vipassana three years ago and experienced two main breakthroughs:
- He decided to marry me
- He dove headfirst into a career in AI (this was before chatGPT broke the internet)
I didn't expect any revelations of that magnitude - after all, I'm already married and I'm perfectly happy with Hash Basis. I was more intrigued by the challenge of it and wanted to see if I could meditate for 6-8 hours a day and be silent for 10 days. I was least worried about the silence part because I'm a natural introvert and enjoy spending time with my thoughts alone..but the several hours of meditation was daunting since my longest sit prior to Vipassana was one hour. The ten days felt like an eternity, but once the time was over and I was back to being a passenger princess in our Toyota RAV 4, it felt like it had passed in an instant. I was snapped back to reality and although the calm demeanor remained for a few days, it was slowly eroded by spending the holidays back in Florida.
Intro to Vip
To clarify some terminology, Vipassana is the meditation technique that was rediscovered by the Buddha in India around 500 CE. The technique was spread to American audiences in the 1900s by Goenka, a businessman turned meditation teacher who established Vipassana centers throughout the US (interestingly, he's of Indian descent but was actually born in Burma! Apparently, the Burmese people preserved and taught this "pure" strain of Vipassana that was originally taught by Gotama Buddha. Goenka teaches that the Buddha didn't intend to start any religions or cults - he was interested in the purification of the mind via this technique. All of the organized schools of Buddhism like Japanese Buddhism or Zen are offshoots with interpretive scripture from other people). All beginner students have to first take a 10-day course and adhere to a strict schedule:
| Time | Activity |
|---|---|
| 4:00 am | Morning wake-up bell* |
| 4:30–6:30 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room* |
| 6:30–8:00 am | Breakfast |
| 8:00–9:00 am | Group meditation in the hall |
| 9:00–11:00 am | Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions |
| 11:00 am–12:00 pm | Lunch break |
| 12:00–1:00 pm | Rest and interviews with the teacher |
| 1:00–2:30 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your room |
| 2:30–3:30 pm | Group meditation in the hall |
| 3:30–5:00 pm | Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions |
| 5:00–6:00 pm | Tea break |
| 6:00–7:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall |
| 7:00–8:15 pm | Teacher's Discourse in the hall |
| 8:15–9:00 pm | Group meditation in the hall |
| 9:00–9:30 pm | Question time in the hall |
| 9:30 pm | Retire to your own room—Lights out |
I didn't wake up until 6 am because I simply couldn't get out of bed at 4 am - except for the last day when I got up at 3:53 am. I did a 4:30 am meditation on the final day and it was exhausting. I'm definitely glad I got extra sleep for the other days.
What attracted me to Goenka was his insistence that Vipassana is secular. Even though it arose out of the Buddhist tradition, they weren't pushing Buddhism on us or forcing us to convert during the retreat (Buddhism isn't a conversion religion, like Christianity or Islam). Vipassana is a practical, scientific technique for observing what's happening in your body—at the level of sensations—and choosing not to react to these sensations, whether they are positive or negative. These feelings arise and they pass, but the mind remains equanimous. The Dhamma website says it best, "Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It is this observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion."
Dhamma means "path" and it's the road one takes on this journey towards self-purification. During those ten days, I took small, baby steps on a path trodden by so many others, even those who attained enlightenment. And as the Buddha and Goenka repeat, anyone can become enlightened - you just have to put in the hard work and constant effort. Goenka also emphasizes the concept of Anicca, which translates to impermanence. Once you accept the impermanence of all sensations and life itself, you're even further on the Dhamma.
I jived with how sensible the program was and its emphasis on personal work. However, it doesn't expect you to drop all material things and become a monk—it simply asks that you remain open-minded and give the technique a "fair trial" for the time you're there. When you practice Vipassana, you start seeing things as they really are, meaning all of the noise in the world is reduced to sensations on your body. Because really, that's the only reality that us humans are capable of understanding—we can only be certain about the truth coursing through our veins because it's our body, our box of flesh. It was a flashback to my yoga teacher training in 2024 and our lessons on the Yoga Sutras by Patanjali. The Sutras and Vipassana share a common origin and both aim to pierce through reality, although Patanjali describes a more yogic path (i.e. pranayama, asanas, concentration, etc) while Vipassana focuses on meditation. But both are striving towards this iridescent state as described in Sutra 1.41,
As the patterning of consciousness subsides, a transparent way of seeing, called coalescence, saturates consciousness; like a jewel, it reflects equally whatever lies before it - whether subject, object or act of perceiving.
I've been on this side quest to "see things for what they really are" for a while now (especially after reading the Yoga Sutras), but Goenka shattered through this high-minded goal. It's not all that exciting - what's really happening is just random, chaotic itches on my skin and pulses in my organs. I thought there'd be more mystery to life and its realities…so I guess the question becomes, why do we feel these sensations? This line of inquiry naturally leads to the question why are we here in the first place?
Don't all questions boil down to this unknowable one? Maybe a real answer isn't desirable here because it's so ineffable. I went through cycles of dejection, apathy, and freedom while at Vipassana, but once daily life whirred up again, I forgot all about them. But one song still plays within my brain on repeat and encapsulates how I feel about this esoteric universe stuff:
Vipassana Technique
The curriculum was divided into three sections: Anapana breathing, concentrated focus on the area above the upper lip, and then full Vipassana body scans. Breathing is so foundational and as Goenka says, it's the portal between the voluntary and the involuntary, the conscious and the unconscious. We breathe whether we think about it or not, but when we do draw our attention to it, we can control the duration, speed and depth of the breath. It's wondrous, really, and an intriguing example of the gray areas in life, the "in between" segments where we have one foot in eternity and another in a Hoka running shoe, firmly rooted to the earth.
With the body scans, you start at the top of your head then progress down to your face, arms, chest, back, pelvis and legs, noticing sensations as they arise. Sensations could be anything, from itching to tingles, warmth, dryness, numbness or coolness. I was always itchy so I was trying not to scratch my nose or thigh and repeating Anicca, Anicca, Anicca to myself—you're technically not supposed to repeat any mantras or verbalize/visualize, but I'm still working on that rule.
Vipassana in its pure form as taught by the Buddha is strict and includes not just meditation but a moral code as well. Goenka calls these the Five Precepts, and they must be observed at a ten-day retreat:
- Abstain from killing any living being
- Abstain from stealing
- Abstain from all sexual activity
- Abstain from telling lies
- Abstain from all intoxicants
I can truthfully say that I followed these precepts while at Vipassana 🫡 The environment created there is so tranquil and devoid of input that it's hard not to.
When we learned the actual Vipassana technique of body scanning on the fourth day, that's when my headaches started. I'd get these raging headaches in my front right temple, probably because my eyes were inadvertently moving around while I was body scanning. The pain was so intense and difficult to ignore - I couldn't be equanimous or remember that everything is anicca. The headaches would continue to throb as I tried falling asleep - I desperately longed for sleep (I know, I'm not supposed to have cravings), but as soon as my eyes shut again, the pain would resume with a vengeance. They intensified from the 5th to 8th days and tapered on the 9th day because I stopped doing the official technique for all eight hours.
One silver lining though was my back held up magnificently during the long hours of meditation. Of course, I had setbacks like the four hours of sitting on Vipassana day, but after that, I figured out my ideal schedule and position. For the three group sessions, I assumed the kneeling position using the bench with a cushion under my knees. I could sit for an entire hour without back or knee pain, and in fact, this posture healed the kink in my right knee (I got this from biking 30 miles on the Hawthorne Trail back in college). I ditched the meditation cushion posture entirely since it killed my lower back. For non-group sits, I did them in my room and used the back support of my bedframe or bedside table. These cabin meditation sessions were a lifesaver for my body, and although my concentration wasn't perfect, it beat having a crippled back.
A quick note on Vipassana food - we received a balanced veggie diet with breakfast at 6:30 am, lunch at 11 am and fruit and tea/milk at 6 pm. For the first few days, I gorged myself at breakfast and had to force lunch down - but then by 6 pm, my stomach was growling again. Breakfast was my favorite meal of the day because I'd have oatmeal dressed with peanut butter, brown sugar and boiled fruits spiced with cinnamon. I'd accompany it with a heaping bowl of Cheerios and a tall thermos of Throat Coat tea. Lunch was also tasty, and my favorite meals were a coconut curry, macaroni & cheese with broccoli, and vegetable chickpea curry. For dessert, I'd concoct cinnamon sugar toast with a fine layer of butter - it reminded me of the snack my mom would make when I was sick. While the food was healthy and yummy, it ripped through my tummy…needless to say, I had several gassy meditation sessions, but I wasn't the only one. 👃🏻
Despite the headaches and the stomach issues, I stayed and didn't feel the urge to quit at all. The technique and the environment were powerful…plus, I really hate giving up. I believe in following through and finishing what you started, no matter how difficult it gets. Another strong motivator was the evening discourses by Goenka (shown to the class via videotapes). Even though Goenka died in 2013, I could tell he was hilarious, insightful and so tranquil in life. Everything he said made so much sense. We couldn't take notes during these lectures, but they were full of relatable stories, Buddhist parables and technical meditation guidance. These lectures are available on the Dhamma app, so I'll definitely be revisiting these as needed.
One thing that Goenka said during these evening discourses struck me - he said when our mind wanders, we're either thinking about a past memory or the future. We're never just in the present. And I found that to be extremely true; my mind was often thinking about a past boy who hurt me or some future event with Nikhil like living in Europe and kids. I spun up so many fantasies that were divorced from reality.
Why? It sometimes felt like my mind was stuffed with cotton, full but completely weightless. I thought Vipassana would shed more light into the mysteries of the universe, but I was instead met with the naked, stark reality of just random sensations cropping up in my body, even when I wasn't meditating. However, Goenka kept referencing past lives and the "heaven" of liberation, so maybe there's a glimmer of eternal hope after all.
The 10th Day and Hunnybun Reunion
Technically Vipassana is only nine full days of silence. On the tenth day after the morning meditation, you're finally allowed to break "Noble Silence" and talk with fellow meditators. At first, I was extremely awkward and had to cough several times to get the goobers and nervousness out. But once I mustered my courage, my speech couldn't be contained and I blabbered on with my roommates and lunch buddies. It was interesting hearing about their experiences after the fact, and how common our struggles were. Nearly everyone struggled with the food (especially the gassy beans) and I met a few girls who suffered from the headaches too. I also met a mom who had four kids at home and whose husband just finished his Vipassana retreat (two of her children did "Vipassana for Kids" as well!) I had this notion that I had to do this 10-day program "now or never" because I reasoned that after kids, there's no way I could do this…but my self-imposed limitations melted away. It's curious isn't it, the narratives we tell ourselves about what we can and cannot do. I'm realizing that the whole framework is futile. Once Noble Silence ended, the Vipassana spell of tranquility wasn't broken, per say, but the shield was definitely punctured. I slept uneasily the final night because I didn't want to miss my 3:50 am alarm. 🙃
When I saw Nikhil again for the first time the next day, he was outside helping my roommate throw trash away in the bins. His face was illuminated by the early morning sunlight filtering through the trees. My hands were all pruny because I was on dish-duty that morning, but I reached for him nonetheless. I was so elated to see my husband again. We're used to long periods of separation and Nikhil had already done Vip three years ago, but still, there's nothing like reuniting with your favorite person after a long time apart. I could tell he missed me too because he vibe-coded me a website and wrote letters to me every day. ❣️ When we got home, the first thing I had Nikhil do was cut my hair off. Having long hair in the winter is insufferable because it's always heavy and wet, and I have to blowdry it for ages. No more, I said as I saw chunks of dark chocolate hair - interspersed with a few wiry grays - fall to the kitchen floor. It was my own personal Vipassana baptism, a physical sign of the change within.
Overall, Vipassana was the most unique and intense experience I've gone through. On the surface, the schedule seems chill (eat, sleep, walk, meditate, learn), but I wouldn't call it a vacation - it was brutal mental work and a crash course on intense focus. Unfortunately I didn't continue the recommended practice of two hours of daily meditation, so the effects have worn off (I'm writing this in late December). My anxiety has returned but it's less stubborn than before, and I'm better at noticing sensations in my body. I'm still reacting to outside events like a simpleton, but I'd like to think my reactions are less passionate and more logical. I strongly believe most people could benefit from a Vipassana course, if only to step away from the madness of living in our current world for ten days. It's all anicca, after all.
Bonus Vip Takeaways
I had several ad hoc takeaways that don't fit neatly into any category:
- Looking back now, it was funny how many "little enemies" my mind created. One of the tenets of Vipassana is to not disturb other meditators and to not be disturbed by their actions in turn. I excelled at the first part, but I struggled with being gracious towards other people. From coughing ladies to women scratching their heads aggressively to a man with the creakiest adjustable chair of all time, there were mini ruckuses happening all the time. Towards the end though, I was so absorbed in my headaches that external noise barely penetrated my curtain of pain and concentration. And then on the tenth day, once we could actually talk again, I realized how lovely everyone was and my irritation was quelled. They're human, I'm human and we're both just walking sensation receptors.
- For about two hours a day, I ambled through the woods behind the female cabins. It was a sprawling course with skinny pine trees, shy mushrooms popping out of the wet earth and deer that scattered before my crunchy footsteps. When I was walking, my mind wandered and skipped between random trains of thought. For example, I thought about content ceaselessly (i.e. movies, music, books, podcasts, etc). August by Taylor Swift was playing in my head on repeat, and I dwelled on Crash Landing onto You and The Summer I Turned Pretty way too much. My mind was so devoid of inputs that I started entertaining myself with pure thought. It was fascinating to me where the mind goes when it's cut off from stimulus - it literally creates its own narratives. Storytelling is one of the most powerful and compelling aspects of humanity because stories stick with us beyond eternity. They keep us hooked and hungry, but satiated at the same time.
- I realized that on the spectrum of trauma, I'm not a very traumatized person. I had family drama back in my college days, but it happened when I was 22 and nearly done developing. There was no childhood trauma or high school mishaps that altered my brain chemistry. I kept expecting some "deep thoughts" to surface, but no, I was just bopping along to The Fate of Ophelia. So yeah…I realized I'm basic?!
- I loved gazing into the morning sunlight after the first meditation session (8 - 9 am). The weather in Kelseyville was perfect for all ten days - I'm talking sunshine all day, highs in the 70s and lows in the 40s/50s. When Nikhil did his retreat, it was rainy and gray, and I can't imagine grappling with inner demons to the beat of raindrops. I lucked out!
- Another surprising thing was that I barely thought about work - like at all. I imagined beforehand that I'd be anxious about all of the emails and tasks left undone, but those thoughts were missing. I worked like a dog before leaving for Vip and made sure everything was done/in a great spot for close. When I returned on December 1, the volume of work was high but it wasn't unmanageable. My mind was much calmer and less anxious, so I steamrolled through close tasks without worrying about little nothings.
Thank you for reading!